The other day after having a conversation with a friend who was feeling discouraged by a past littered with failure, I remembered this chapter that I wrote a couple of years back. The book has not yet been published and might never be, but I feel it is worth sharing. We all have mistakes in our past, but the God we serve is capable of helping us overcome them.
Chapter: Failure:
So, you did it…you crossed the monumental barrier when action contradicts conviction.
In weakness you had an immoral moment, surrendered to an evil impulse, or lacked the courage to stand out by standing up.
You screwed up.
You made a mistake and now you are wondering when (or if) you will ever be able to recover.
Although the timing and circumstance may differ from others around you, you are not alone. You have something in common with every other believer…you made a mistake…you missed the mark…you failed.
The fact that you failed connects you in commonality to every Christian past, present, or future, but what may make you stand out is what you do with your blunders.
Will you learn from your mistakes?
When failure cruelly knocks the air out of your emotional and spiritual lungs, will you huddle in the fetal position afraid to try again, or will you stand up determined to win the next skirmish?
Will you let your collapse steal your faith, or will you discover hope in the God who offers you another chance?
Because none of us are perfect, we all must deal with momentary lapses in judgment or the affects of our weak will. However, our legacy will be determined not by our failures, but how we deal with them.
Peter is a perfect example of that.
Centuries ago, Peter sat in the doorway of a dark alley rehearsing how he had failed the one that was most important to him.
He recalled the reprimanding words of Jesus as he and the others had fallen asleep when Jesus was in agonizing prayer. He beat himself up with regret, “I didn’t see the turmoil in his heart. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me.”
As the violent mob approached the garden to take Jesus away, Peter defiantly stood up against the crowd, quickly snatching his sword and removing an ear…but even that bold action brought about the rebuke of the one he was trying to please. The tone of Jesus’ voice communicated disappointment.
Then, as his thoughts drifted towards the act of final betrayal, Peter shuddered.
Three times he impulsively denied that he was a follower of Christ. Three different times, he declared that he did not even know him…one time violently cursing at the one who brought the question.
As the torrent left his lips, it was punctuated by the rooster’s crow. And, most disheartening, Jesus turned and looked straight at him…straight through him.
Never before, had Peter seen such disappointment, such pain in the eyes of his friend. Never before had he sensed such anguish.
And, he knew it was his fault.
He had caused Jesus pain.
After promising to remain true…to fight and never leave him…he had disowned him. He had denied that he knew him…He had let him down.
On the heals of failure, misery, shame, embarrassment, and loneliness ambushed Peter.
Weeping bitterly, he ran out into the night with an intense heaviness that he had never known before as he learned that not all failures are equal.
I never dreamed…
That look….
The intensity of that glance must have hit him like a heavy anvil that had been dropped from a high-rise building.
His heart was pierced.
His courage crushed.
His identity, which in three years had shifted from fisherman to disciple was destroyed.
The weight of his failure overwhelmed him, looking to bury him in a spiritual grave of inactivity.
Self-loathing began to creep in.
Although the circumstances are different, I too have sat in the proverbial doorway in a dark alley rehearsing my failures. I too have felt as if I let down those closest to me…those counting on me. I have wondered if my collapse signed the death warrant on a positive future and a godly legacy.
And, I too, in the shadowy damp alley of discouragement have had to decide what I was going to do with my failure.
One such situation occurred in my early twenties as I struggled to make sense of a failing marriage.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would ever be staring into the eyes of divorce…but with my high school sweetheart determined to start a new life without me, that was the reality that I was facing.
Amplifying the situation was my position in ministry.
Convinced that my calling was in serving God’s people, questions began to encircle and attack my heart.
Will the church still accept me?
Are my days in ministry done?
Does God still want me?
Ferociously I was bombarded at the lowest point in life.
I was at a crossroads…one that would determine my direction…my future…and in many ways, my faith.
On some levels, I felt like giving up. Doubts crept in about God’s ability to protect me from such a destructive situation. Questions arose about my ability to follow God’s leading (I had after all sensed Godly direction as I entered into this marriage).
When my wife moved out, despair moved in.
However, other thoughts were present as well. Certain scriptures packed with hope began to offer me confidence and strength.
Whereas a portion of me wanted to curl up in bed, eat bon bons and die a disparaging death, another was fighting for life.
The whispers were contradictory. One set spoke of loss and antagonistically proclaimed “no future.” The other reminded that nothing could separate me from the Love of Christ. God was still on my side ready to help me rebuild my life and fulfill my destiny.
Although the battle between the two options skated back and forth on a daily (perhaps hourly) basis, I was the one that had to choose which to embrace.
My choice would determine what was to become of my life.
How I dealt with a failed marriage would be the deciding factor in my spiritual legacy.
I don’t know how, or why it happened (a lot had to do with the encouragement of the pastor that I was serving with at the time; he refused to let me quit), but I resolved to discover God’s goodness in the midst of a challenging situation.
Although I had to fight through the concern that everyone was judging me, I chose to continue aggressively serving the Lord. Through the reading of Scripture and no-pretense prayer, I pursued God during this time. Regularly, I “cast my cares on him” and I went to him “when I was weary and burdened”.
Rather than slipping cynical and adopting the role of “victim”, I continued to look for ways to serve other people.
As aggressively as I prayed for my situation, I prayed just as fervently for others. I forced myself out of bed to help someone move or to serve around the church.
Instead of slipping into a cocoon of self-loathing and frustration, I reached out to both God and others. And, God proved himself faithful.
Healing began to take place in my heart.
The pleasure that I began to experience as I offered myself to others overshadowed the misery that lurked waiting for entrance.
And, eventually, God blessed me with a wife who has no compare.
To me, Mary is a gift from God. If I were to have drawn a picture of the woman that I was most attracted to, and made a list of the character qualities I would have wanted in my future wife, Mary would be represented in both the picture and the list. Her presence in my life is living proof that God loves me and wants the best for me.
Another interesting development was seen in my ministry. The fruit that I experienced after my struggles has far surpassed what I saw before. The same could be said for the fulfillment that I experienced.
I used to think that Mary and the blessings of ministry were God’s response to the misery in my life. As if he was repaying me for the turmoil and injustice that I experienced. However, now I believe that along with that, those blessings are a direct result of my choice to overcome failure.
Although I went through more pain and discouragement than I could have ever imagined, God chose to reward me for keeping my eyes on Him during that time.
My failure proved to be a hurdle that had to be overcome; but, there were abundant rewards and significant ministry waiting on the other side.
Out of the alley
The tears had been shed…Peter was exhausted.
Not only had he dealt with his own frailty, but Jesus had died upon a cruel cross. And, rumors were growing that he had been raised from the dead.
Life was spinning out of control, and it wasn’t making sense.
He wondered if a friendship with Christ could be salvaged. He questioned whether he had enough strength to stand in conviction…to stand up against the crowd. He pondered his fate.
But, Jesus came looking for him.
Just as he had in the beginning, the risen Christ discovered Peter on the beach and took him for a walk.
In what proved to be a frustrating set of questions for Peter, Jesus pushed the disciple asking about his commitment and love. Three times, Peter responded appropriately. Three times, Jesus offered a similar command, “Feed my sheep.”
Somewhere on that beach…in the midst of that dialogue, Peter understood that love was more than words. To testify of loving commitment, he must do more than give it voice, he must put it into action.
Right there, Peter and Jesus came to an understanding. Peter’s past failures would not be held against him.
They would not be stored away waiting for the opportune time to bring them up to inflict pain or spotlight shame. They would be completely forgotten, but Peter would have to overcome them as well.
Peter would have to discover confidence and courage to stand and declare spiritual truth the next time the crowd turned hostile.
He would not be allowed to hide from his calling…his failure did not indicate a change in destiny…he would have to pick himself up, and get moving.
His failure could have damaged him for life…but after he sensed Jesus faithful forgiveness, consistent love, and overarching purpose, he dedicated himself to going wherever he was asked.
His beach encounter convinced him that every prophetic promise spoken by Jesus in easier days had not died. They were still waiting to land upon Peter and operate through him.
Peter’s failure did not define him. His cowardice in the light of a bonfire is not how he is remembered.
Because he learned from his failure…because he brushed off personal doubts and did not let discouragement bury him, Peter is remembered for preaching and seeing thousands come to faith.
His influence in the formation of the church is applauded and his willingness to lay down his life for his Lord is recorded in history.
Peter never thought that he would have to deal with failure…but he did.
I never thought I would be faced with the blemish of divorce, but I was.
Perhaps you have a drastic failure littering your past; one that has caused you and others pain.
Perhaps it is threatening your future, messing with your self-esteem, or introducing strong doubts into your faith.
You can’t change what is in the past; you have to deal with the effects of your mistakes. But, you can determine not to let those problems steal from you future.
With God’s help, you can write a wonderful story. You can overcome the failures of your past…but you must first bring it to Jesus and receive his forgiveness. Begin to believe that he will never fail you…he will not forget you…and he will help you build a strong future.
In the story of your life, it is time to write the next chapter. Are you ready?
